Take a chance on me…

The big day is tomorrow. Except…well, it isn’t really, is it, because as some of the lovely blog visitors have pointed out, The Bride Hunter is already out there, on the shelves or on the tables or hopefully both, with stickers reading 3 for 2, an invitation to take a chance on a book you’ve never heard of, by an author you don’t know.

I wonder what REALLY makes people buy books? I don’t mean the automatic purchases by our favourite authors – in my case, I will always buy the new Lisa Jewell or Deborah Moggach or Marian Keyes (maybe the hardback, if I am feeling flush, or the paperback if I’m not). I mean the impulse buys – the third in the three for two that you weren’t planning to buy, and hadn’t seen advertised, or reviewed?

In my case, I do follow the tested pattern that researchers have identified: first, I’m attracted by the cover and the title. Now, I might have heard of the book already, but I am almost as likely to be curious about one I haven’t heard of.

I do have certain prejudices. I don’t much like cheeky cartoons. Or legs with no bodies. And I hate anything where the title is blood-red, with drips (I know a lot of people hate pink. I guess they won't be buying my book...). Then I’ll turn over and read the blurb. This is a crucial moment – I am put off by pretentiousness or hyperbole, e.g. ‘this all-encompassing chronicle of lives lived in tumult is this year’s most accomplished novel’ and also by any mention of child abuse, drug abuse or pet abuse (though the washed-out covers and the word 'no' or 'please' in the title normally make it pretty clear which are to be avoided if you’re not a fan of the misery memoir). I also don’t like stories sounding too similar to those I’ve already read: there has to be a hook that intrigues me.

If I move on from the blurb, then the battle is half won. But the opening page is a big test: does the first sentence grab me, do I like the style, is there anything naff or irritating in the writing? I think, in a way, it’s like a version of the way an agent or publisher looks at submissions: you’re as much looking for reasons NOT to buy as you are for reasons to add a new title to the groaning to-be-read pile back home. Of course, the grammar and spelling is usually better than in most slush piles (no offence to slush piles but amongst the gems are a lot of very odd manuscripts, including explicit Harry Potter fan fic, and handwritten pages featuring unidentified stains).

Book-buying is often a triumph of hope over experience – I love books in general, but not all that many deliver what I want. I am increasingly picky. So when I read those first lines, I am looking to be seduced and charmed and to fall in love, but also doubting that this could be The One because I have been disillusioned so many times before.

I am still talking about books. Honest.

Anyway, that’s my route. I could – and occasionally, do – spend hours in a bookshop perusing and entering an increasingly trance-like state until I am past the state of actually being capable of remembering my PIN. And so I leave, dreams intact, but with nothing to read on the train except London Lite.

Of course, the whole process is very different in supermarkets, where the book selection is so much smaller, and the atmosphere less conducive to reverie. There I am more likely to take a chance on a novel because it’s not that much more expensive than a glossy mag. Best of all are libraries because it’s all FREE! But then that’s overwhelming too because you’ll never read all the novels you’ve picked up, and then you’ll put them in a corner and forget about them and the fines will end up costing you as much as a shiny new book would have in the first place.

I think I am now obsessing, aren’t I? time to go and lie in a darkened room and accept that this is about fate and chance. I also have to stop looking for Signs. This morning’s sign was that although the cat threw up her breakfast, she did it on the tiles (easy to clean up) rather than the floorboards (which have massive grooves, impossible to clean) or the carpet (just don’t go there). Obviously this is a Good Sign, because there is a direct correlation between where the cat throws up, and how many people are picking up The Bride Hunter at this exact moment.

Moving swiftly on. How exactly do you choose books?